Oh gosh, the most difficult thing about this whole process is the gaps inbetween ‘things happening’. Last Friday I had my ‘pre-surgery’ appointments at the hospital. Tis now Monday and on Wednesday I go for surgery – a ‘Wilhamina-ectomy’ and also to have some lymph nodes taken for testing. I feel as if I am living in some kind of vacuum – not really knowing what is happening to me. I have so little information about what might or might-not happen post surgery (as far as pathology results and decisions on treatments) and that is driving me a little crazy. I just want to be able to make plans and know what is ahead of me and at the moment that is just not possible.
It is funny, I have always thought of myself as a ‘leave-everything-till-the-last-minute-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-with-no-planning’ type of person but I am learning that actually, this is far from the truth. I like to know what is ahead of me; I like to know what is expected of me; I like to make lists and I like to know where I will be and what I will be doing as far as it is possible to do so. There is no list for this, there is no map of how the next few months will pan out, as yet.
All I know for definite at the moment is that tomorrow I have an appointment to consent to surgery, Wednesday I go for that surgery and will stay in overnight and need 2 or 3 days of not doing very much with up to 2 weeks to recover. I then go for my pathology results on 7th September. Beyond that is the unknown, although I have probable and possible scenarios that are bouncing around my brain and causing me to waste time on unecessary ‘what-ifs’. I know that this is not a logical way to think and that I should only ponder on things when I know they are actually going to happen but really, it is not that easy for me to do!
I gave myself the treat of a haircut at the salon across the road on Friday (this experience has made me realise that I do deserve the occassional treat) and of course found myself wondering what it would be like to lose my hair should I have chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is not a definite but a ‘distinct probability’ so rather than putting this ‘probability’ out of my thoughts until I know for sure, I find myself wondering what it will be like should it happen. See how the craziness can creep in? What would have been a normal treat and a relaxing experience, now becomes a ‘better make the most of this as it could be the last for a wee while’…………………
Oh my word, I need to give myself a shake! But I can laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and flick my freshly cut and straighter than usual mane as if in a tresemme advert and just think that this is a wee gap in my life. It stretches before me for what seems an unknown and unpredictable amount of months but once it is over it will be as if it was all just in the blink of an eye.