I found myself having another ‘wobbly’ moment in the supermarket yesterday. The strangest moment having an unexpected quandry in the cosmetics aisle; staring at rows of deoderants and anti-persperants for oh, possibly 20 minutes. Feeling slightly nauseous as I realised that the hurredly chosen underwired bra that I was wearing is now impossible for me to wear…. it just makes me constantly aware of what is happening, that change and that painful area. (Incidentally – why does the word ‘lump’ have such a gross sound? I may have to rename it to something more poetic and with more character, I can hardly bring myself to say ‘lump’, I think I shall name it Wilhamina instead.) Walking backwards and forwards trying to decide which deoderant to purchase. It is strange the things that this experience is doing to my mind. Previously when buying deoderant, the only choice I would quibble over would be ‘heavy duty’ or ‘lasts 24 hours’ and ‘what is on offer’.
I have not allowed this diagnosis to send me running scared. I started looking up statistics on the web last week and stopped myself before I read halfway through the first page. I have been tempted to look up known carcinogens, but have resisted. It has troubled me that the fact that I am overweight/drink pepsi-max occassionally/may not have washed my veg adequately/used extra strength and sometimes cheap deoderant…and so on, and so on, – may have all been contributing factors. Have I caused this myself? HA! It would be quite possible to drive myself loopy! I have too much to do, to waste time on all this craziness!
So to research or not to research? To make a million and one drastic changes in my lifestyle…or live in the moment and get on with my life as it is now? To think that this might be my fault…or to think that it is just as likely to be bad luck and could happen regardless of these things?
I will be making changes but I have decided they will not be caused by panic and anxiety. They may even be quite subtle and I am certainly not going to become obsessive. I will think twice about some things and I will keep resisiting the urge to spend hours on the internet, looking at all manner of articles…
But yes… I did buy the ‘free from synthetic fragrances, parabens and alumunium’ deoderant with it’s gorgeous wild rose scent and I am taking extra care when washing the veg.