I am absolutely determined that this blog is not going to be gloom and doom. It is going to be positive, an adventure and a story remember, one that I can look back on and reflect on the changes happening in my life. I think it will change me for the better. I hope that this will be the case.
However these hopes for the future do not change the decision we had to make yesterday. Yesterday morning I cried for the second time since this journey began. Over the days I have cried a couple of tears on a couple of occassions before forcing myself to pull it together and carry on with whatever I happen to be doing at the time. On Thursday, upon returning from my appointment with the nurse I cried properly. During my appointment we again discussed the wedding date – 2nd October of this year – 8 weeks away. In the brief diagnosis discussion from the previous week it had seemed that this date should not be a problem although we would not be able to have a honeymoon. On Thursday though, our conversation leaned more towards ‘we can’t be sure’. There are no guarantees with anything that is to happen over the coming months. My surgery is in a week and a half and I will have at least a 2 week recovery time. I have an appointment to receive my pathology results 7th September (the week we were going to Scotland to put everything in place for the wedding) – we could change the results appointment for the week after but really, will I want to wait another week? No, I most definitely will not. So that leaves less than a month till the wedding and it seems that the wedding date is exactly around the time I will be starting treatment if not before. It would be one thing to go on as planned and hope that everything fits together perfectly, but we have enough to think about for now, so this is the best decision.
I am a stress bunny at the best of times and I also leave everything to the last-minute. This wedding is very much a micro-budget, DIY affair and as a consequence nothing has really been put in place…yet. I was to be making my own dress, myself and my family were making the cake and the food. A small church for the service and a village hall (decorated by a gang of family and friends) for the DIY reception. All I really have up till now are lists on paper of things that would all be done in the couple of weeks before the event – a party for almost 100 of our closest friends and family.
If there was one thing that I visualised for this day, it was that it would be a fun, relaxed affair, simple and homespun and completely us, with our (my) full involvement in all aspects. Yes, there are an army of lovely people who could take over all manner of tasks without us, but that for me changes everything. Also my treatment may have already started making a trip to Scotland far from the best idea. I want to spend the next couple of months completely focussed on getting well again. So we have had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel at this time. You may not know, but this is the second time – our original date was for last October but my partner in crime had major surgery and a recovery that is still ongoing. Neither of us are in the best of health to go gallivanting up to Scotland organising and taking part in a wedding it seems!
So for the first and hopefully last time I am going to say – this sucks. Big time. We know we have lots of decisions to make in the next few weeks (did I even mention the fertility thing before now? – yep that is a doozie too!) At least the invitations hadn’t been sent yet! (Thank you to my wonderful friend Carol who had helped my so much with these – they won’t go to waste I promise – no-body will mind if we just stick a new date over the original one!)
Yesterday was horrible, but fear not I am already feeling more positive. There may be a wee light that will make this decision okay – we just need to chat more and iron out a few kinks and hatch a few plans. There will be that ‘third time lucky’ event for us – oh yes there will! I will keep you updated.
PS – I really have to thank you all so much for your comments and well wishes. I struggled so much with whether to make this blog public. I am a natural-born wittering idiot at times but at the same time struggle with my own voice. I am not blessed with that humour that makes other blogs on the same subject an interesting and inspiring read. But I shall try to not worry about that – it is what it is and I am just ever so grateful to know that I can reach out in this way and try to be as honest and open as possible, even when I may want to hide away and make no more than a whisper.