Breathing out………………

Thinking about and getting round to writing this blog post has been a little like taking an inward breath and then just letting the air escape ever so slowly ………knowing there are many things whirling around in my mind. Some thoughts are obvious and ever present, others are like ghosts of things that once appeared so clear and ’of the moment’ but are now only half remembered. I had an idea of what I wanted to write but in truth there is not very much going on at the moment atall. This does not make for the most inspiring or interesting blog writing or reading.

So for the moment I shall just lead you to this blog post about our wedding day which already was a whole two weeks ago. It really was the most wonderful day and although we have been together long enough for it to not have made a huge difference to our relationship, in reality I am amazed that I am now a Mrs – at 38 years old it may take a wee while to get used to that! I haven’t exactly been rushing around changing my name in any official way but friends and family seem to be taking great delight in calling me Mrs C.

Now I am playing the waiting game again. I commenced my hormone treatment last week (Zoladex injection every month for next 2 years and Tamoxifen tablets for next 5 years) both of which mean that I am now into the menopause. This goes a long way to explaining my lack of writing over that last week or so and my mood. I have spent the last week feeling like a hormonal, big blobby, sobbing mess and have had trouble focussing on just getting on with things. Perhaps the sobbing is a slight exaggeration but there have certainly been many tearful moments as I adjust to life in the present. Whacky dreams that frustratingly I can’t remember in any detail but have enough snippets to know that my loop-de-loopiness remains intact (they would make marvellously entertaining blog posts I am sure). Perhaps my current reading choice is providing inspiration? Gosh I love Margaret Atwood. I know that I should perhaps read something more cheerful and chirpy but I almost always turn to books or films with a hint of melancholy at the best of times.

Poor Mark – not exactly an ideal atmosphere for week 2 of married life. Tis not all bad though – there is plenty of laughter and hugs inbetween my moments of acting like a tearful petulant hormonal teenager. Is it really just in my own mind that these two distinctly different periods of life seem spookily similar? However the last few days the hormonal rollercoaster has been easing into an equally unwelcome feeling of flatness (Uuugh…..a flatness which I feel is so evident in my current writing - I am really hoping it does not last too much longer! I want my chirpiness back!) So now I am waiting to begin radiotherapy which is not going to be as soon as I had first thought but again, this experience is teaching me patience. The hospital had thought I would be starting next week but I don’t even have my initial appointment with the radiotherapy team yet – I guess these things take longer that I had anticipated which is frustrating for someone like me who likes to know what I am doing and when so I can look ahead and figure everything else out around ‘what must be done’. Meanwhile I am making every effort to ruffle up those current moments of flatness with quality time with friends and loved ones and trying to get back into a creative frame of mind.

xxx